AP Biologists at Mansfield High School have recently been conducting field studies all over the northeast. Their extensive research has named us a new species in the New England area. These creatures have been returning annually, and after years of indifference, researchers took a new found interest when Senior Brian McCarthy reported that, “I was walking down the street with my besties when all of a sudden a Smart car drove past me and disappeared. Just poof. GONE.” This wasn’t the only report of things getting swallowed up in the past few months. Dogs. Cats. People walking those dogs and cats. Bikers. Runners. There was clearly a disruption to our ecosystem that needed to be acknowledged. After careful observations, biologists have named the animal Obnoxia potholus, commonly known as the “pothole”.

     The creature is part of the genus Obnoxia. Other members of the genus native to New England include the seasonal autumnfoliagetouristum, and the giantsnowstorma. The common pothole resembles these other species in their migration patterns and their obnoxiousness. The wild pothole migrates to the northeast every winter, and it is believed to share some sort of mutualistic relationship with the giantsnowstorma because they seem to travel together. The preferred habitat for these creatures appears to be the local, windy, hilly streets sheltered by a deciduous canopy. But one can basically find them anywhere.

     The pothole is one of the filter feeders that come to New England, except it doesn’t really filter, much like the snow storm swallowing up everything in its path. Its hunting strategy is to maintain perfect stillness on the street using its asphalt like camouflage, and prepares to devour anything that walks, rolls, or drives by. Potholes are asexual reproducers: with enough water and the right temperature (usually below 32˚), the young pothole buds from the parent and eventually breaks off to stake out its own territory. There is usually no genetic variation in potholes, though genetic mutations can often create abnormally large and deep offspring. Fortunately this genetic mutation is typically fatal for the young pothole: Its large size makes it more visible to its most common predators, tar and cement.

     This winter’s pothole population has been abnormally large (no doubt due to the extra cold winter), wreaking havoc on New England drivers. Swerving and “plowing through” has caused countless numbers of accidents and significant damage to suspension and tires. We at the DA advise that our readers steer clear of streets like Winter and Maple because of the high population density of potholes. Hopefully Mansfield will be able to scrape up the money to ship in tar to consume the larger potholes, and scare off the rest to colder regions. But in the meantime, drive slowly, be nice to your car, and DON’T FEED THE WILD POTHOLES.