THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
It's not just a newspaper. It's a truthpaper.
In recent news, the MHS math team had made a comeback against our archenemy King Philip in the final division meet Thursday, February 7th. The math team made a major improvement from the previous meet, in which it tied with KP. This may have been due to the fact that the coaches missed out on counting Dan Chao’s points, because he had been hidden from view during the rounds, doing his problems on the ground.
This last meet Mansfield won by a whopping 41 points. Because of this win, the math team will be advancing to playoffs.
We asked one non-participating over-excited-about-everything freshman what they thought of the team’s success: “These mathletes work much harder than any sports ball player! I mean, the amount of blood sweat and tears it must have taken for Mike Yang to learn how to type that fast has got to be insane!!” Unfortunately, there were no other non-participating high schoolers who knew about, or mildly cared about the math team. In fact, we got a lot of comments about “social suicide”. But it is evident that these negative opinions will not bring the math team down.Currently the Mansfield High School is number one in our NEML math league…that is, the first place normal, average, decent public school. There are teams ahead of us, but those are preppy rich private schools, including the Boston Latin School, which are negligible in our data set.
“Finally, the scores are back to where they should be! It’s totally √!” Said Coach Mitchell, still clearly dazed by the victory, seeing stars flying around his head like points on a polar coordinate plane.
Math Legend Jake Snyder was less surprised, explaining, “Well, I mean, when you factor in the fact that KP only got 2 plates of cookies and we got 3, on top of the effect of Ms. Kalinowski’s strategic placing of their tables, approximately 10.6 feet further from the doors as compared to us, the likelihood of Mansfield winning was about 93.67%.”
The statistics definitely match up with his theories. The average element of the data set of math team wins and loses is win. The mode in the data set is also win. And the median, is, of course, win. It only rational that the math team would again win this division.
The productivity of the math team this year has been increasing like an exponential function. And hours of training are now reaching their vertex-of-a-parabola-reflected-over-the-x-axis, with the playoffs coming up.Now if the math team wins at the playoffs, they will move on to states, which is the main goal. It seems now that the math team is becoming as productive as light bulb placed at the focus of its parabolic flashlight lens, and that the opportunities for improvement are like the solutions to an equation of x=x. But the question is: can they keep up this positively sloping trend towards perfection? Will the improvement follow the path of a logistic function and level off at c? Will the winning number of points that the team strives for become nothing but an i ? Or will the improvement become an unbounded function? We at the Devil’s Advocate cannot calculate the likelihood of any of these possibilities. We will leave it to the math team to, as they say, Just Solve It.
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Math Team Determinant on Making it to states
by L.L. Bean
February 2014
As the infamous February vacation draws to yet another end, students here at MHS look towards going back to school. Teachers tend to pretend that students look on this return with fond glances and a thirst for knowledge, excited to jump back into hours of homework the moment they step foot through boredom’s doors. But their foolish optimism cannot hold back the wave of “Ugh, not this again” being emitted by the zombies they use to call students.
So what will happen when students must leave the comfort of our couches, beds, and refrigerators? Well the only reasonable assumption is that it will be something akin to a zombie apocalypse, but without all of that brain nonsense. After a long vacation teenagers are more likely to slouch through first period then actually learn anything, since their brains are eradicated by endless hours of unregulated, dare I say it, fun. Teens will enter in a large group, grumbling about the ungodly hour at which they are forced to wake, and then pretend to listen as teachers try to teach them things they have spent the previous week trying very hard to forget.
After the first few days, light will begin to shine through their dead eyes again as our internal clocks are forced to readjust to the familiar yet dreaded rhythm of school life. Teachers will again be able to teach them things (though still in very short bursts- long attention spans are to high school students as colored vision is to dogs). Students reawaken to the world, just in time for the weekend to cruelly trick them into believing that sleep will once again be their friend. The adjustment after a weekend is just a shortened time frame of that after a vacation- the three day span it takes to adjust after a week is compressed into one horrible Monday morning.
So good luck to all fellow undead as you go through your return voyage to a world of unwelcome normalcy, and an apology to the teachers who have to somehow turn you back into humans.
MHS Students Reportedly Turned into Temporary Zombies
by Warbler Glitters
Mansfield’s Prom is approaching quickly on May 17th and many MHS students are developing severe anxiety over this formal. A recent study conducted by SSA (Student Stress Association) found that over 73% of females that are juniors or seniors in high school have experienced nausea, fainting, and vomiting over the topic of prom. Upon further research, SSA discovered the main causes of these symptoms, and conveniently listed them in alphabetical order: The A to Zs of Things That Could Go Terribly Wrong at Prom and Tips on How to Survive:
A- Acne. Pizza Face at prom? I’d rather wear a bag over my head. Be Proactiv© and eliminate all blackheads and pimples at least three weeks in advance.
B- Body Odor. Deodorant is essential. The dancefloor is not a place you want a 5 ft radius around you.
C- Cupid Shuffle. No matter how many times Mr. Ellis’ class did this classic groove in PE’s dance unit, you keep mixing up your rights and lefts. This is a hazard to surrounding dancers so please evacuate the dancefloor immediately.
D- Dress. If someone plans on wearing the same dress as you then consider plotting murder to avoid that social suicide.
E- Entrance. It is vitally important that you make a dramatic entrance. I’m talking Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story dramatic. If all necks do not break when you walk in, you have failed.
F- Facebook. You must, without any excuses, post your dress on the Facebook page because if you do not, then your dress does not exist.
G- Grinding. If your awkward behind-to-pelvis dancing isn’t p e r f e c t e d by mid-May, you risk severe embarrassment.
H- Heels. The stilettos that cost your mother well over $100 must be taken off the second you enter the banquet hall because 1) you are significantly taller than your date 2) you hadn’t thought of that shooting pain when you picked out pointe shoes 3) you love the idea of barefoot exposure on the super clean dancefloor.
I- Instagram. Your friends aren’t letting you post the one picture that you actually look good in because they all look bad so you are left with the struggle: to go against their wishes and post it (in this option you risk isolation for the rest of the night), or don’t post it (this option guarantees that no one will believe you went to prom).
J- Jewelry. CRAP someone noticed that your necklace is from Claire’s after you’ve been insisting that it is Tiffany’s all night. Don’t worry, Claire is just Tiffany’s slightly less classy cousin.
K- Ketchup. You try to balance out the bland banquet hall food with mustard's partner in crime and spill it on your dress. For the rest of the night you get sympathetic looks from everyone, even the kid who showed up with a top hat.
L- Lyrics. You’re on the dancefloor, jumping up and down to the beat like you are at a Bar Mitzvah and you mix up the second and third verses in Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop.” Your only option is to retire back to the table because you shamed all of Mansfield High School.
M- Makeup. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake….
N- No. Your dream date rejects you. For years to come Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” will be your theme song.
O- Orange. After weeks of preparation at Tanorama, you show up to the prom a bright, fresh orange color that really gives off that Snooki vibe that you were dying to embody.
P- Pictures. Remember, if you don’t look good, this picture will haunt you from your grandmother’s fridge for the rest of your life.
Q- Queen. You have to wear a crown for the rest of the night that just SCREAMS that you peaked in high school.
R- Riot. The student population gets angry at something insignificant and resorts to the good ole tactic of peacefully protesting. MHS Riot 2012. Never Forget.
S- Slow Dance. You feel like you have two left feet? Try practicing the waltz with your life-size Taylor Lautner cardboard cutout before even considering going out for a slow dance.
T- Tickets. Why are the tickets so expensive? Does it include a chocolate-covered panda? Who pays for the ticket? Boy? Girl? Does chivalry still exist????
U- Up-do. You must make sure that your hairdresser puts at least 573 bobby pins in and finishes it off with no more than two bottles of hairspray to ensure a helmet-hard look. The worst would be if your up-do turns into a down-do.
V- Virginity. What’s classier than losing the big V on prom night? But remember: No glove, no love!
W- Wasted. Had a little too much fun with the rum and someone didn’t let you in on the not-so-secret breathalyzers. You get personally escorted out by the administrator of your choice.
X- Xylophone. Does any other word begin with X?
Y- Yardsale. This is a term used by snowboarders when they fall and their stuff goes everywhere. Your dress rips, purse flies, and emergency tampons rain down to the floor like your tears.
Z- Zebra. The worst, most horrible, dreadful, unspeakable, thing one could do, is wear a zebra print dress. Avoid this at all costs.
Prama
by B. B. Blacksheep
An eye opening conspiracy has recently caught the attention of MHS students about substitute teachers. The controversy arose after students of a misbehaved health class stole the sub report in an attempt to write good things about themselves on it, but only found that it had nothing but doodles on it. further investigations done by a senior focus on Algebra class indicate that subs do not exist, and it is instead just regular teachers in disguise subbing their own class. Even teachers need to have a little fun (and give their kids a break) from time to time!
Every once in a while, according to the theory, if a teacher believes his or her class to have become too boring or uneventful (students believe this is everyday) then they will go to the teachers’ lounge in the morning, punch in the secret pass code to the vending machine (researchers are unsure but they believe the pass code to be Coke, Coke, Sprite, Coke, Gatorade), then walk into a secret sub closet a what we call “sub suit” to wear. Upon returning to the class they will try to cover up their true identity by intentionally murdering pronunciations of their students’ names, even going so far as to confuse the gender of their students on rare but monumental occasions (Pranjal? Is she here?)
The disguises are realistic and the teachers do a good job playing their new role, but students finally became suspicious when during one incident a sub taking attendance referred to junior Sri Lekha Murthy as Shakira. Reports conclude that her hips don’t lie and it is instead the teachers that are lying.
It is believed that these sub suits are one pieces and zip up from the back. There are 6 sub suits in total to choose from and each comes with its own perk. If you chose the Mr. Larson suit you get free trivia cards. The Mr. Millet suit is stuck in a smile so if you chose him you can never go wrong. Other sub suits come with equally wonderful perks. One comes with an incredibly fashionable makeup kit, another comes with a built in massager so the teacher wearing it is likely to fall asleep in class. Here at the DA we are especially big “fans” of the Mrs. Ryan sub suit.
It is undetermined how the process of substitutes got its origin. Some freshman bio scientists at MHS believe that it originated from a conversation a long time ago when the only teachers here in Mansfield were Harold L. Qualters, Jordan Jackson, Mr. Robinson, and Mr. Boyden.
It is believed that one day Qualters said, “My stomach hurts, I think we need subs” and Jackson responded, “Brilliant, I’ll hire them right away!” What Qualters actually meant was that he wanted them to go buy him a sandwich to eat so he could satisfy that void of hunger resting in his belly, but the misinterpretation lead to a ground breaking new idea that modernized teaching.
However, one day Qualters left the classroom for a minute to get some mustard for his sub but upon returning to the classroom he found a student had eaten his sandwich. Vowing never again to leave his classroom unattended, Qualters made 6 sub suits so even when he pretended to be out he could still be there to watch his students.
There is a valuable lesson for everyone to take out of this. To the bad students? Watch your behavior when there’s a sub in class. Teachers are not really absent, but instead just disguised so they can spy on us. And finally, to the teacher’s pets? You might want to start sucking up to the “substitutes” too!
New Theory That Substitutes Don't Exist
by Dan. D. Lyon
In recent news, the Mansfield Guidance department has just held its annual scheduling assembly for all freshmen, sophomores, and juniors. Guidance’s main purpose of the assembly is to tell students how to schedule, but they also remind students of the impending crises of scheduling conflicts, terrible alternative classes (“I didn’t actually think I was going to take that class…”), teacher recommendations, and time management. As usual, they previewed some of the possible classes for next year. And this is where the news comes in. MHS is going to offer a new class, supposedly all about “independent living”.
Ever since the origin of high schools, there have been complaints about the usefulness of the knowledge gained in high school. People protest that, “I’m never actually going to use DeMoivre’s theorem, or even think about imaginary numbers in the future! They don’t even exist!” or that, “the possibility that I am going to analyze a sentence for the subject predicate agreement is like, -25%”or even that “I can use the Pythagorean Theorem, but I can’t even wash my clothes!” For those students, this new class about life is designed to fill our brains with useful information.
Possible lessons in this class include how to hire a lawyer, how to balance a checkbook, how to manage a bank account, how to put on a bowtie, how to prepare a meal, how to buy property, how to choose which medication to take for bacterial infections, and when to get flu vaccinations*. It is said that these lessons will probably be taught through instructive videos or by hands on experience, so students can truly be immersed in the experience.** They also have a fitness and health portion of the class, so that students learn to lead healthful lifestyles, choose nutritious foods, and stay active (for you, Michelle Obama), all while earning that all important gym credit.
Student feedback about the idea of this class has been highly positive. Junior Leina Xu exclaims, “Finally, the school is no longer censoring life! Now I can finally learn how to cook so that I won’t be a complete loser when I grow up!” Bethany Somes says that, “Hiding the truth about the struggles of life has done no good. It just creates misconceptions in our head, and people end up going out and embarrassing themselves because they’ve always lived in such a strict academic environment”. With such enthusiasm for the class, it is no doubt that the class will be a huge success.
Popular opinion also states that former MHS students were at a disadvantage later in life without this course. One touching story about Walter Xu’s most pitiful failure in life is that, when he started living alone he, “knew how to complete the square, but not how to complete an online transaction.” The guilt that MHS has carried about these past student hardships has finally convinced them to open up to the possibility of teaching students how to live rather than turning them out clueless into a world of independence and freedom. We at the Devil’s Advocate commend them for their efforts, and highly encourage clueless freshmen to give this class a try
*these are nothing but predictions made by the Devil’s Advocate staff. We encourage students to actually take the class to see what it’s all about.
**also a prediction
MHS now offering an Independent Living Course (UNCENSORED)
by L. L. Bean
March 2014
A poll was recently conducted to students grade 9-12 at MHS on their top reasons they do not want to spend 180 days at the school. The Devil’s Advocate received a variety of responses that will not be surprising to the average Mansfield student.
12% answered that “There are not enough attractive people” or something of the “zero eye-candy” nature. 7% concluded that the worst thing to come to the school are freshman with the tendency to block traffic by scattering their books everywhere at their locker. 13% griped that teachers have no sympathy for the modern Renaissance man because of the ungodly amount of homework assigned. An astonishing 67% of Mansfield students said that the school is too cold. The remaining 1% contained responses such as “too many white girls,” “unacceptable PDA,” and “Obama.”
The striking amount of people who think that the school is an icebox required further investigation. Using the temperature measurement technique of recording the radius of the sweatiest teacher’s pit stains in various places around the school, it was found that the cafeteria is the coldest place.
Investigators asked the maintenance if there were any malfunctions in the cafeteria, or if the frigid atmosphere was intended. The man who manages climate control wished not to comment aside from that it was intended and hinted that the administration may be involved. The huge scandal unfolded after a conversation with the principals which revealed that the reason for the freezing cafeteria is not financial or environmental, but simply to lower the administration’s case load. “Keeping the school at an uncomfortable chill is the only way that keeps shirts up and shoulders covered” remarked an administrator “students aren’t listening to policy the way that they used to, we needed to take action for obedience, without making the administration the enemy.”
Students and parents are outraged over this confession of tampering with the climate control. While some are angry that they have to brave the tundra year round, most are irritated that they cannot wear what they please. “This is not cool,” remarked on senior, “Well technically it is too cool, but you know what I mean.”
Researchers are unsure what will happen next. Students can anticipate this uncomfortable cold until there is a dramatic switch to unbearable heat. Until then, bundle up!
Administration Outed in Climate Control Scandal
by B. B. Blacksheep
Yes, that’s right. The world has ended. Don’t let the sunshine, lollipops and rainbows fool you. And the people walking down the streets? Zombies. Ghosts. Vampires. The usual. Well, other than humans. Because the world ending throws a damper on the whole human thing. Now what caused this insanity? Some wacky student went on a family vacation and had to miss school. And look where that has gotten us.
High schools across the nation have in place reasonable attendance policies. A student just has to have a good reason and make up the work he or she misses. Of course there are restrictions, aren’t there always? If illness is the reason someone has to miss school, all the student has to do is bring in a doctor’s note. A 24-hour bug? Doctor’s note. First time migraine? Doctor’s note. Anxiety attack caused by worrying about losing credits? Doctor’s note.
Sure, going to the doctor is expensive, and the doctor could be using their time to help someone who needs more than a note for school, and some parents have to work so they can’t take their kids, but none of that matters. How many logical, reasonable excuses are these people going to try to make up before they admit they’re being dumb?
What about family vacations, you say? Isn’t it important to visit extended family that you might not get to see on a regular basis, or to get to spend time with elderly grandparents? Hogwash! Just go see them on the school vacations! Yes, a parent’s work schedule might not allow them to take those same breaks, and ok, it’s true that traveling during those times is astronomically more expensive, but hey! When these teenagers grow up, they aren’t going to wish they spent more time with their families, oh no. They’re going to wish they had skipped those reunions and gone to school. Obviously.
And the consequences for missing school? Completely reasonable! Miss three days in a class without being excused and start to lose credits. No, a note from your mom that explains you woke up with a crazy headache and just needed To sleep it off or that you had to visit yo- ur ninety year old grandmother is not an acceptable excuse. That would just be anarchy. People would start to think they could miss school for crazy things like broadening their knowledge of culture through world travel. Idiots.
This is done because of the truants and the hooligans who could fake a note. 99.9% of the kids have totally legitimate reasons to be out, and present actual notes from their actual parents, but that 0.1% needs to be punished. So everyone is. Isn’t that the way everything works? A small group of people abuses the system, so every single person who has anything in relation to those people (say, by going to the same school) has to follow the rules put in place only for the minute percent. Control the minority by punishing the majority. Sounds great.
So don’t be alarmed when you see that zombie walking by your window. Say hi, invite him in for tea, maybe some cake. It’s not his fault he died then un-died. It’s those stupid young people with their hippy dippy ideas about what their childhoods should actually be like. They are the ones to blame for his current state of undeadedness.
Student Allowed to go on Vacation: World Ends
by Warbler Glitters
It has come to our attention here at the DA that the school cafeteria does not accommodate students with gluten-free diets very well. We noticed there was something wrong when one of our dear friends with an allergy to gluten bought lunch one day and returned to the table with nothing but an apple and the sloppy part of a sloppy Joe.
"Even the milk here has gluten in it," remarked one anonymous MHS conservative student, "thanks a lot Obama.“
Most students feel that the problem is the administration's unwillingness to take action on the situation. "The MHS handbook says nothing about food Allergies: maybe they should address the evilness of gluten in spaghetti instead of rambling on about the evilness of ‘spaghetti straps’" said Junior Nathan Larm, or perhaps it was just that freshman that looks exactly like him.
Like any issue in our nation’s history, society just needs to catch up with the times and modernize itself on the topic. It takes baby steps, as well as leaders to show us the importance of making a difference.
"I used to be Mr. Wheat until this big debacle," remarked AP English teacher Mr. Rice. "I changed the name because I believe in making a difference.“ That's the kind of leadership that MHS needs more of. There are hungry students out there allergic to gluten, and they need your help. So what are you wheating for?
No Gluten Free Menu at MHS?
by Dan. D. Lyon
Remembering the Plague
April 2014
by Dan. D. Lyon
Coughing. Vomiting. Classrooms of absent students. Beethoven’s 5th playing dramatically in the background. This could only have been one thing: The Mansfield Plague of ’13. Anyone attending MHS that cold January last year knows all too well of the horrors that the plague brought when it hit, affecting roughly half the student population over a period of two weeks. Although the root cause was unknown, its rapid spread can be blamed on those who received the perfect attendance award at the end of the year, also known as “the award for the people who screwed everyone else over by coming to school even when they were sick.” I won’t be saying “bless you” to them the next time they sneeze.
The plague is remembered as a dark time for MHS. Trash cans were scattered in the hallways, the nurses office overflowed with victims, even the teachers decided to sanitize desks all class long instead of teaching (much to the students’ liking). The only good side effect of the pestilence was that students stopped getting questioned in the halls and could take extra long bathroom breaks without arousing suspicion. There was also an occasion of understaffing as teachers caught the plague: one lucky history class went a period without any supervision. Instagram was exploding with #TUT for throw up Thursday instead of #TBT, and the janitors had to run to flint farm for more wood chippings because they had run out during day three of the plague.
Members of the Devil’s Advocate staff infer that the cause of the plague was due to a lack of sanitation in the school. Here are four reasons why sanitation has become such a stranger to MHS: First off there’s that substitute that outlawed hand sanitizer claiming she’s allergic to the smell of it. Secondly, the majority of bathroom sinks don’t work. All boys know that sink number three is the only working sink in the upstairs bathroom, and girls know that sink number three is the one that doesn’t work in the upstairs bathroom. Third, half the time the bathrooms don’t even work. Now we students need to take partial responsibility for that one. To the girl that lit the water closet on fire last year, I suggest pepto bismol. In classrooms there’s the dilemma that tissues that do exist feel like sandpaper, resulting in a lot of sleeve usage. Lastly, water bubblers. Possibly the grossest invention of all time when you really think about it. The next time you take a sip out of one, stop and think about how many people you are technically making out with. And please. Don’t put your mouth on the spout.
As we think back on that time in our school’s history we can’t help but wonder if history will repeat itself as it most often does. Even in the past month there has been a sudden increase in absences, though not as severe as it once was. The MHS plague was in a lot of ways like the public opinion of Justin Beiber. Catchy, but let’s instead deport it Canada and make it their problem.
Niagra Halls
by Warbler Glitters
PDA. Personal dress accommodations? Public drag association? Private desk aspect? Public displays of affection? Yes! That one! Public displays of affection. Ranging from holding hands to “Oops I lost my shirt,” PDA has been around since the cave people specifically to make everyone around the couple extremely uncomfortable. If you doubt this, just look at cave paintings. There are some very intricate drawings of couples getting to know each other (wink wink) while the awkward third party waits by the side trying to look anywhere but ahead. This aspect of the human experience has yet to change. Many of us, especially teenagers, have witnessed quite a few of these situations. Let’s take a look.
1. The “oh no my locker”: You come into school only to find that your locker has been compromised. A few laps must be taken until the couple decides to leave your locker be and you can finally grab your books.
2. The “oh ok I guess our conversation is over”: Whenever one half of the pair is away from the other, and then reunited, basically everything is dropped. This is the cutesiest PDA, and the most common. Handholding, hugs, facing each other so that a force field is emitted and no one can break it, etc. Many couples engage in this without even realizing that they are acting differently, so if asked about it, the response will be “What are you talking about?”
3. The “guys I have a class to get to”: Couples making out in the hallways between classes. Pretty self explanatory.
4. The “intense stare down”: Two people, one corner, 4 eyes. If you were a kid you would go up to them and be all “You blinked! You lost!” No honey, that staring is not of the contest variety, but of the “I want to look into your eyes all day no really I’m going to skip class and follow you everywhere so that I can continue staring at you.” To everyone around them, this is exceptionally creepy, like they are trying to melt each other’s eyeballs type creepy, but to the two of them, this is love. Creepy, slightly psychotic love.
5. The koala: Hanging off of each other. Extra points if there is actually leg wrapping or neck clinging going on.
Of course not every couple engages in the type of PDA that inspires feelings of illness in those who happen to see it. Most couples in fact are very good at noticing that others may be uncomfortable and acting accordingly. In fact, most people don’t want to be known as “that couple.” But if you have read this and realize that you, in fact, are part of a couple dangerously close to turning into a walking cliché, please consider toning it down. Everyone around you, be it teachers, friends, acquaintances, or random people you’ve never seen before, will appreciate your restraint.
Pee and Potty Panic in the Girl's Restroom
by Portia of Belmont
It’s a known fact that getting walked in on it the most mortifying experience one can have in high school, except for having your underwear up the flag pole, or getting thrown in the dumpsters. Thankfully, the invention of belts (for those who wear them) and higher walled dumpsters have prevented the worst. The getting walked in on was miraculously relieved when the invention of locks came to our society. But in recent times, these locks have disappeared off many a girl’s bathroom stall, leaving all at risk.
Statistics show that 63% of girl’s stalls do not have locks, resulting in 14 instances of walk-in-ons. Girls arebeing asked to risk their dignity in order to relieve their bowls or tackle feminine problems. Every girl’s reputation has been jeopardized, or no longer exists. Says one victim, “it wiped out my pride, I wish everyone could flush it out of their heads!”
As a result, many girls have created numerous bathroom strategies. Said one student, “I’ve resorted to the one-hander, where you always keep one hand on the door after your pants are down. If you need them both at any time, you then gotta put your knee-on-the-door or, in some cases, your head.” When the student was asked about how the vertically challenged can still use this, she said, “If you can’t reach, you might need to bring duct tape with you to the bathroom. People might question what you’re actually using it for, but roll with it”
One senior advised, “You have to make yourselfknown in there. In these times, making it clear thaturine a stall can preventsome mortifyingsituations. You gotta sing,talk, stomp, sigh, fart; dowhat you have to do.”Unfortunately thisstudent alsorecommended keeping it quick, so those whoneed some time,desperate times mightlead you to holding it.Said student, “Don’tstall in the stall!”
So, until our school can figure this out, or buy a couple $5 locks, all of us at DA wish you safe peeing, and remember: do what you have to do…do.
May 2014
MHS Teachers' Wages to be Cut to $10 an Hour
by B. B. Blacksheep
In a 4-1 vote at Tuesday’s school committee meeting it was announced that teachers would be receiving a pay cut. The board explained that after recent evaluations, teachers do not deserve a full salary. The committee chair stated, “This decision is purely based on observations made at recent visits to Mansfield High School.” The one dissenting vote explained his opposition: “The last thing I want is all of the teachers storming these meetings again. I have a wife and kids, I don’t want to risk my safety. Not again.”
The board members found at their visit to MHS that most teachers were not performing the jobs outlined in their contracts. Most classrooms had very little order, with students chatting or doodling on their desks. 67% of teachers were observed on their computers planning their summer vacations with their families. The board decided that they need to make some important changes, by first redefining the job of a teacher. After much discussion, they concluded that ‘teachers’ will now be known as ‘babysitters.’ The former teachers of MHS do many of the same activities as babysitters, such as showing movies, yelling at children to be quiet, and sneaking food from their employer. One school board member even suggested changing the name of Mansfield High School to Mansfield Preschool. This was declined because they wanted to uphold a positive reputation to those outside of the school system.
The students at the high school are not mad at this change in occupation, in fact, they are very happy. One senior boasted “I haven’t had homework in days! The movies are getting a little excessive, but every day I’m one day closer to beating 2048!” Students believe after their hard work all year, they deserve a break of sorts. A small collection of juniors are concerned that this change in attitude for teachers will make the countdown until summer even more long and painful, but a majority of students feel as though they hit the jackpot.
The wage cut was determined after extensive discussion with a panel of local parents. One stingy mother on the panel said, “I’ve been paying my babysitter $8 an hour, and she hasn’t left me yet.” A resident of Forest Park argued “These teachers deserve what my dog sitter get, $13 an hour. At least.” The panel highly considered this $13 an hour suggestion, but resolved that a cut to $10 an hour would be more logical. The difference in those two wages will stock the snack cabinets that are necessary to keep a babysitter working.
‘Teachers’ reacted angrily, arguing that the movies that they have been showing in class are “educational” and that students are doing serious analysis on each of these ‘films.’ Teachers are considering making a movement against this wage cut, but they simply cannot find the energy to organize resistance. After weeks of not doing any work, they have developed lazier attitudes. The one thing that may rally the teachers is the fact that many of their personal 12-year-old babysitters have begun referring to them as their first name because they are “on the same level.” While the issue is being resolved, students will be able to easily coast through school until summer begins.
MHS to Hire 2000 New "Administrators" Next Fall
by L.L. Bean
The school committee has is considering extending the school budget and will be hiring additional new administrators for the 2015 school year. The school administration has decided to take action in furthering its guidance for the students at MHS. Said one anonymous administrator, “Students could use extra guidance. Teenagers make especially bad decisions, and with more adults around, they will make, well, better decisions.”
These administrators will not only monitor halls, and the cafeteria, but they will serve as 24 hour, constant advisors to students at MHS. It seems that the trust level of the administrators for students has dropped to about -205410. And for good reason. Students at this time
of year have been making especially poor decisions that 100% of the time, disrupt the learning environment in Mansfield. At prom, many students danced highly inappropriately, which resulted in a number of pregnancies (for more prom issues, see issue one of the Devil’s Advocate). Graduation is coming up, and one can expect lots of cap throwing, which is extremely dangerous; there were 67 cap-hitting-graduate related injuries last year alone. Because of the high frequency of accidents and life changingly bad decisions, the school committee decided it was best to hire approximately 2000 new administrators, and each student will be assigned an administrator. Extra bad students may receive 2 or 3. These adults will be trained and paid for by taxes paid by parents of Mansfield (wages to be determined). Their main purpose is to guide students in everyday decisions during school, such as guiding students to the bathroom (more than one from a class at a time could be dangerous), advising them not to take laps during class, and telling them not to use their phones in class... ever.
These new guides for students will also be with students outside of school, to help them in life choices, such as internet statuses and tweets. Administrators will help students focus on homework, and steer clear from social activity, this way students maximize productivity and learning. Administrators will also help students choose what to wear every day to ensure safe learning environments in school. When they do attend social gatherings with students, it is their job to prevent students from mentioning friends’ names while gossiping, because such behavior often constitutes bullying and could result in the student being unable to apply for college or attend college in their futures.
This new administrative representation for the student body at MHS has already been tested. This year’s prom queen and king, along with prom court were voted for by the staff at MHS. It was extremely effective in choosing students that the student body would never had had the brains to choose. Said one administrator, “I am absolutely sure that the majority of the student body would be too stupid to choose good people as prom king and queen. It’s good to have an electoral college of sorts to prevent bad decisions by the general public: student opinions just can’t be trusted.” The difference is evident: last year’s prom court was chosen by high school students and consisted of people who were certainly people that were mean and ugly inside and out.
The committee proposes that students are first represented and guided by administrators, but eventually it hopes that the student body will be replaced entirely with adults trained to know the rules and be good obedient students (aka administrators). The ultimate goal is to get a 100% open, academic, orderly and safe environment for the children of MHS, something that can only be achieved if no real students exist.
Seniors Freed from 4 Year Sentence
by Mackerelmore ft. Portia of Belmont
Around 350 students will be released from the brick walls of Mansfield High School this coming week. Their crime: being of the ages between 13 and 18, which in most countries will land you a four year term behind bars, or more accurately, desks. Their seemingly eternal sentence has come at last to an end.
The hallways are filled with the tears of juniors who wish they could leave with their older companions and students are forced to take kayaks to class. Jealousy just isn’t a strong enough word to convey that. One student could be seen running down the hallway, with shoulders and knees exposed, screaming that they could not live another day "in these hell like temperatures". Questions have arisen over whether the temperature and humidity of the school could be a violation of our rights against cruel and unusual punishment.
At the ceremony to celebrate the students release, coming up on June 8th, sometimes known as graduation, students are forced to wear loose fitting prison dresses and relieve their tickets to leave In front of friends and family. While this time should be a time of celebration, most of the students will be heading to yet another, slightly better prison in the fall, known to many as college, to serve another four year sentence and be overwhelmed with crippling debt. While our seniors may seem unsure, worried or stressed about their future away from MHS, those will be forgotten in three weeks when they are on break. For the remaining students, finals, SATs, College applications, and 20 or so more days of school lie ahead, making them hesitant to even want the future. So live in the moment seniors, be proud of your well-earned freedom from high school, and good luck to you all. While we do enjoy emptier hallways, we will miss you otherwise.