THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
It's not just a newspaper. It's a truthpaper.
The recent Coca Cola ad featuring “America the Beautiful” being sung in many languages by people of many ethnicities has sparked anger from those who criticize it as being “Un-American”. In fact, a recent survey showed that 21% of viewers considered this ad to be more un-American than the French, Australian and Brazilian flags.
We’re losing sight of the classic American values of intolerance, freedom, and hatred. It’s been far too long since we marched onto some other people’s land, stuck our majestic flag into the ground and called it our own. Not enough of the world has been blessed with America’s classic apple pie, slavery, blue jeans, and racism. It’s about time that traditional America makes a comeback.
We must look to our noble forefathers – our Andrew Jackson and his trail of tears, and our Theodore Roosevelt and his takeover of the Philippines– for guidance on how to handle this situation. America the Beautiful sung in languages other than English is an abomination, because as we all know, ALL Americans speak English and only English, as it is the only language taught in schools. America has always been a society of only one culture and race.
It is always best to maintain tradition: the traditions of keeping ankles covered, and the marrying off of daughters in their teens. As you can clearly tell, these values are still strong today. Tradition has always been chosen over progress.
One critic of the commercial even said, “America the Beautiful as our National Anthem, should be only sung in our national language.” This viewer is one of the people who is the most American of us all. His combined intolerance and extraordinary stupidity should be honored and admired! He serves as an example for the rest of us. In our history, people believed that women were witches and that African American could be counted as three-fifths of a person. And now some believe that “America the Beautiful” is our national anthem! This is a time for celebration! We are beginning again to truly live up to our American roots.
However, in a strange turn of events, despite this ad, Coca Cola manages to maintain its position of number 3 on the list of most American things, falling only behind the Bald Eagle and obesity caused by McDonalds.
'Murica.
February 2014
Murica the Beautiful
by Mackerelmore
As the impending doom of college application weighs on the minds of juniors as they choose schedules for next year, the DA offers a few tips and tricks for getting into your top school.
1. Take all of the classes. Colleges look for you to challenge yourself so don’t hold back. Be sure to take every AP class offered and self-teach the rest. (you must also get 5’s on all the exams) To go the extra mile, take all electives offered and every class in all levels. Take English in CP, Honors, and AP. It shows true dedication to the subject matter and growth in every subject
2. Highlight your special talent to make yourself stand out. But it can't just be one talent. You must be an Olympic Athlete and perform on Broadway. You must play in the Boston Symphony Orchestra and paint the next Mona Lisa. Colleges look for well rounded students. If you cannot achieve all of these things and all else fails, become a circle.
3. Pay them a visit! Colleges look for students who show interest in their school. Find out where all the admissions officers live and pay them personal visits. Bring them cookies, lasagna or other home cooked food. They like this!
4. Colleges look for students with character. Impress them by not just being one character, be many. When going to your interview, bring costumes to change who you are as the interview goes on. Practice different accents, because they look for diversity in their student body as well.
5. The College Essay is key in showing who you are. Be sure to write about your most important life experiences, such as finding a cure for cancer or winning a Nobel Prize. Colleges look for students who are individuals and use this opportunity to show that. Write the essay in binary or Elvish to add your own personal touch.
6. Your recommendation letters are very important, so be sure to find someone equally important to write them. See if the Queen the Pope would be willing, and if that doesn't work then maybe Bill Gates or Obama will be available.
Disclaimer: Even following these exactly does not ensure college admission. And there’s still the money to worry about, but that is an issue for another time.
March 2014
How to College: A Junior's Guide to Success
by Mackerelmore
Have you ever imagined what it would be like to soar through the air, fly above the rim, throw down tenacious tomahawks, ridiculous reveres, and dumbfounding dunks? There is just something about dunking a basketball that makes you feel like a smooth operator. Thanks to the groundbreaking advances on basketball’s scientific frontier it is now possible for anyone and everyone to be “Like Mike”
I’m talking of course about Mini Hoop Basketball, the backyard basketball sensation that is taking the nation by storm and inspiring a new generation of not so gifted young ballers. The rules of Mini Hoop are simple, take your standard backyard basketball hoop and adjust it to its lowest setting (preferably 7.5 feet). After that it’s time to ball.
This brilliant feature allows basically anyone to feel like a seven footer. Who wouldn’t want to feel like a baller for a change? Dunking is by far the most exciting part about basketball. What kind of lame European fancypants do you have to be to hate on dunking? Dunking has just never been a European thing. Dunking is simply so American it hurts. Case in point Vince Carter shows up the whole continent by putting a seven foot Frenchman on a poster for the rest of his life with a seismic slam.
America invented basketball and it’s only fair that we get to be amazing at the games coolest play. Mini Hoop is not just a fun game to play in the backyard with your buddies, it is a symbol for all that is America. When you dunk on a seven and a half foot hoop it’s like eating a double bacon cheeseburger with American cheese and barbeque sauce. As American as you can get.
Realistically ones Mini Hoop success does not translate to actual success on the hardwood. Just because you can ball on a seven and a half foot hoop doesn’t mean you’re the second coming of MJ…or does it? One of the most closely held American beliefs is to imagine that you are better than you really are. Dunking makes you look good and if you think you look good, overconfidence is sure to follow. This type of hubris is encouraged in America as a part of the national mindset. Thinking you’re the next LeBron James makes you feel like a cool cat. Why would anyone want to accept their mediocrity when they could just ignore how bad they really are? It’s much better to believe that you are a future all-star than to feel like a lost cause.
Mini Hoop is a way for all people to feel like a baller, anyone from B Hill to Matt Barry can throw it down like a superstar to enjoy a piece of America.
I Believe I Can Fly
by The Mailman
May 2014
PARCC the Cah in Havad Yahd
by Dan. D. Lyon
Recently a select group of students at MHS has been chosen to take the PARCC Assessments. what does PARCC stand for? A Polka-dotted Animals Running Crookedly in Circles? Nope. Peter Always Reads Cow Comics? Pfft...Peter can’t read. Purple Angels Riding Colorful Cactuses? While this might be the most realistic of the three, it is sadly still not the case. PARCC stands for Partnership for Assessment of Readiness for College and Careers. Now that’s a boring name. There is just so much potential with that anagram that, one would expect more from them. The test itself fails to meet standards too. While critics admit that the difficult geometry section really whips you into “shape,” angry test takers believe the test to be “pointless.” The real problem lies in the popularity that the test has gained throughout the nation’s school systems. Schools everywhere are volunteering classes to partake in the event, like parents signing their children up for jumpstart 6th grade against their will.
The students that are being forced to take it are not happy about it. Junior Charlie Losiewicz stated “My view on the PARCC assessment is similar to my view on a bad rash. Just ignore it and it will go away.” However the assessment, despite various protests, is showing no signs of being recalled (similarly, Losiewicz has been seen in the hallways itching himself furiously). Some students are fighting back, each in their own way. Some are purposely putting down wrong answers. Others are writing letters to the test correctors where their open responses should be, telling them to just take a lunch break and chill sack for a while instead of grading meaningless documents. After all, there really isn’t much to be gained from actually trying. As more and more students are being pulled into the system, one fact remains clear. If you get creative with it, the test is a walk in the PARCC.
In the Lives of Celebrities
by MaZe
In today’s world, celebrities are treated like Gods. People worship their favorite singers, athletes, and movie stars, and are constantly checking social media to see what their favorite celebrity is up to next. We at the DA believe that us students should be kept up to date with current events in celebrities lives; after all, what's more important than knowing where Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon is? That’s right, nothing. So, here are some headlines from the celebrity world…
Emma Watson gets college degree: The famous actress doesn't just have amazing looks, but an amazing brain as well. Although she does make millions from movies, with the rising price of college, she probably still has some student loans left to pay off. Looks like she just received her college degree in English Literature, from Brown University. (We are not sure whether she studied the Harry Potter books, but will keep you updated).
Miley Cyrus issues restraining order: The pop star got a restraining order against a “crazy” fan who was dying to meet her. After questionable outfits and licking sledgehammers while naked, Miley still wonders where her fans are getting this craziness from. “I don’t understand”, she said. “What’s wrong with all these people? Why cant they act normal for once?” she has been quoted as saying. Apparently Miley got fed up after one fan starting saying stuff about how she speaks to him through the radio, and how he hears her screaming voice in her head. Man, some people are crazy… I just wonder where they got it from.
Kim and Kanye marry in Italy: Looks like pop icons Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married this weekend. Yup. The media covered everything, and the report of the wedding includes some rather interesting events. Here are some taken directly from his buddy Jay Z’s diary:
5:23 PM- my boi Kanye be walking up the aisle with swag.
5:25 PM- booty richter scale be off the charts wow
6:04 PM- what up with this white ppl food smh
As we can see, this marriage was pretty fascinating. There was probably more to it, but they instituted a media blackout, which only lead to more media attention.
Bookies have already starting taking bets for how long the marriage will last, where you can pick whether it will go over or under 72 days. Kris Humphries reportedly bet $4 million on under, frankly it just seems like he’s jealous. To catch up more on the Kimye situation, please check out “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, a show dedicated on stalking this one family through their everyday routine.
Celebrities are weird. At the end of the day, they’re humans too. A large portion of individuals would give anything to live the life of a celebrity. The money, the fame, the women, what else is there to it? Oh yes, the fans. These celebrities biggest fans aren't on their ceilings, but in fact follow them around 24/7. Celebrities are just every day people like us who have a special talent (Well, most of them. For exceptions, see: Kardashian, Kim). However, they’re really not that special. Even Jennifer Lawrence tripped up the stairs at the Oscars. And Bieber got arrested. And Lady Gaga has weird outfits. So next time you feel self conscious about expressing yourself, just let it out. Nicki Minaj did, Miley Cyrus did, and so can you. And look how they turned out!